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Updated 01/21/10
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When George Foreman finally passes on, his legacy will not be as a boxer, humanitarian, servant of God, rancher, uncreative giver of names to his children, star of a genial ABC comedy or the Man Who Would Not Pay A Lot For This Muffler. It will be as the face of a modern-day religious icon — the Lean, Mean, Fat-Reducing Grilling Machine. This white, waffle-iron-looking contraption is more than just an appliance. It is a device whose introduction into a conversation can turn any otherwise sane and educated human being into a babbling prophet of the Gospel of Grill, as this person tells the story of conversion from mere Weberite to Georgian, such as was described in the Old Testament: "And lo, Ezekiel dideth desire the burger of poultry, one that was bereft of fat, yet still tasteth juicy, and dideth not have the foul odor of briquettes. And lo, God senteth down from his Kingdom a Holy Grill, compact in size, simple in operation and easy to cleaneth, though on that note the Lord instructeth Ezekiel, 'My follower, it would pleaseth me for you to use the enclosed scraper rather than soap for best results.' And lo, Ezekiel cooketh the meat of the slain bird, which tooketh only 10 minutes, including five minutes of warm-up, and watcheth as fat drippeth onto the plate provided for such purpose of catching unpure liquids. And lo, Ezekiel gave thanks to his Father, saying, 'God, this tasteth great!'"
Then after the sermon, the babbler in question will, in hushed tones, lead you to whatever space is occupied by the George Foreman grill, flapping it open and closed like a fireplace fan as he speaks of the wonders of smushing zucchini and chicken at the same time in only a few minutes and with only a small amount of counter space needed to do the work. People whip out their George Foreman grills faster than they do pictures of their children, with less provocation. The lightweight grill from the former heavyweight champ has been out for a few years, turning a obscure outfit called Salton in Mt. Prospect, Ill., into a moneymaking obscure outfit called Salton (its name is practically fine print on the packaging.) George sold it the old-fashioned way — television infomercials. I believe he set the grill on fire in one of them, then rubbed it with auto wax. It's hard to believe this is the same George Foreman that was once considered the scariest man in boxing, until Muhammad Ali made ungrilled mincemeat out of him in Kinshasa in 1974. However, it's only recently that the grill has reached enough critical mass to take on magical proportions, at least among people I know. Oh sure, some desperate TV smart-asses during sweeps week will run shows on how the meat doesn't taste as good as a diner burger, or how the grill doesn't remove any more fat than what drips out on your standard backyard implement. But it's been 2,000 years since anyone healed a leper with his bare hands, and people still believe in faith healing, right? Oh, you thought I might be mocking this worship of a flimsy consumer appliance, available in three sizes — small, medium and large — for $30 and up either through this special TV offer or participating retailers? I am a full-fledged cult member. I don't use my grill, I don't use my oven, and I barely use my microwave. But ever since I bought my George Foreman Grill a few months ago, I've been grilling more than Burger King. How can you not like that the grill comes with a booklet with instructions on how long to cook about 30 meats and veggies, not having to worry about constantly flipping your meal? It's cooking any moron, such as myself, can do. And the food tastes better than that on your average gas grill, plus you don't get those carcinogens that come up when the fat hits the charcoal. So pass me the Kool-Aid, fit me for black Nikes and toss me that salmon, because we're going to grill! Silence, please. Come to my kitchen. I have story for you. "And lo, Bob dideth desire the burger of poultry."
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The
George Foreman Grill
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